I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
