Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
