the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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