Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
