My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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