So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
We smell like vodka and hangover
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