My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
