apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
