If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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