she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize