he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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