Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
