Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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