Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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