He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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