So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
