what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
