if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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