Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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