I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
