I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
