it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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