I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
