Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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