I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
