somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
