1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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