I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
