He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
