Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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