I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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