Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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