I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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