he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
