Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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