I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
