I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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