saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
