she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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