I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
