I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
