it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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