That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
