I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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