Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
