Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
