Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
