there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
