Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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