I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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