My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I could have mohawked her pubes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
