Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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