I have demons in me.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
