I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
