his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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