my mouth tastes like poor choices
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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