I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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