ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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