The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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