are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
