I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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