Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
