She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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